Bolder freakin' Boulder

There is no debate, discussion, or dissent allowed: the Bolder Boulder is the coolest, raddest, most off the hook race in the world. Not just today. Not just this millennium. It's the best race in the history of mankind. I just sent the future an instant message. I asked it if a cooler race ever occurs. It wrote back: No.

I ran my first Bolder Boulder today. My total time was 42:47, which made me happy because my goal was to crack 45.

The Bolder Boulder is the largest timed race in America. About 54,000 runners converged on the slightly damp streets of Boulder this morning. My wave started at 7:03 a.m., and in order to get there on time I had to catch a bus at 4:55 a.m. in the Denver Tech Center. Believe me...I had no problem waking up this morning. I was so pumped. So excited.

Denver is beautiful in the pre-dawn hours and the early morning. I am so glad I live in such a great place. On the bus I sat next to Noah, a guy who used to live in Parker but moved when he was 16 to Arizona. He misses Colorado. I don't blame him.

Noah started running about a year ago. He ran the PF Chang's Half Marathon, but he was concerned about the altitude difference between Arizona and Colorado. I hope he survived the race. If not, perhaps I can ask his family for his race shirt. He wasn't wearing his because he said it's bad luck to wear a race shirt before you finish. The shirts are cool, and I wouldn't mind having two.

Our bus driver missed our drop-off spot, so he had to drive through side streets to get us back. He crossed the actual course, and I heard people complaining that "they changed the course! They changed the course!" Calm down. It's not like they moved it onto a bed of nails or into the center of the earth.

He finally got us to our drop-off spot. Just in time, I might add, because I had to use one of the 50,000 porta-potties they had available. I mean, I had to use it pretty bad. I started hydrating early.

I decided to start my superstitious warm-up routine in the parking lot of a brand new 24 Hour Fitness. I didn't run too fast, but kept a good pace in order to build up and release my lactic acid. What's lactic acid, you ask? Not sure, but I've heard the term so many times by other runners that I decided to start using it in an effort to sound like a highly intelligent runner.

I ate my Power Bar almost exactly 30 minutes before the race, just as I was instructed to do so by the wrapper. Does anyone out there like Power Bars? I love them. Love them. Particularly Vanilla Crisp. Anyway...

It occurred to me about 15 minutes before the race that I forgot to bring sunscreen. I decided to swing by a help tent and ask if they were giving any out. It was there that I met a perfect cross between Tina Matsuoka and myself. She looked just like Tina, but she didn't know very much about the race, which reminded me of myself at a public meeting for work. I asked her if any sunscreen was available, and she said yes, at the grocery store across the street. She couldn't help the two people beside me, either. However, I must say the race couldn't happen without volunteers like her, even if she couldn't answer our specific questions. The volunteers were amazing.

It was race time. Each wave began with a man blowing a bugle to the tune of that song they play at horse races. As our wave moved closer and closer to the start line I couldn't help but think back to my days at Wet n' Wild, particularly while in line for the Der Stuka. First the guy three ahead of you goes. Then the guy in front of the guy in front of you. Then the guy in front of you. And before you know it...you're off.

Right before we started a volunteer came through the crowd and dispensed sunscreen. Thank goodness! I burn like a cotton ball on a gas range.

When we finally started it was pretty crowded at first. I had to Frogger my way through quite a bit of people. At about a quarter mile it spread out pretty nice and from that point on the crowd was never an issue.

I ran my first mile in 6:30. I was shocked. I kept running, and when we got to the 3 kilometer mark I turned to the woman next to me and said "Yes! We're about half-way done." She said "almost." Shortly thereafter it occurred to me that the race was not 6 kilometers. Duh. To make matters worse, I made the same mathematical blunder about a mile later. Thankfully I didn't mention it out loud.

Speaking of out loud, I was very vocal on this run. In my delirium I found it necessary to thank EVERY SINGLE PERSON who was cheering us on along the way. I don't want to think of the oxygen I deprived my lungs of in doing that. I also thought it'd be fun to ride on a slip and slide that was set up in some one's front yard. That was a mistake. Not only was I now cold, but I also added about 10 pounds of weight to myself.

I kept running.

After I said thank you to about the 95th spectator I heard a woman behind me say, "Well, you're a real joy to run with!" Embarrassed, I said "Oh, sorry. Am I annoying you?" She replied, "Oh, no. Not at all. I'm sorry, I can't control the volume of my voice. I really do mean you are a joy to run with." Hilarious. She reminded me of the Will Ferrell character on SNL that couldn't control the volume of his voice.

At about kilometer 9.25 my legs started to feel a bit like a water balloon filled with Kosher salt. At about kilometer 9.5 the sensation moved to my left arm. Not a good sign.

I kept running.

Before I knew it I was crossing the finish line in Folsum Field. After the race I went looking for my bag, which was stored in a mobile Fed Ex locker. The name is deceiving, because all they did was give you a garbage sack to put your stuff in, and then they threw about 150 sacks into a Fed Ex truck and drove it to the finish line. But it beat carrying my stuff during the race. I must have walked across the entire Colorado University campus looking for the Fed Ex trucks. Turns out they were on the other side of a building near the finish line. So, my 10K was more like a 12K. But CU is gorgeous. Julia and Lauren: if you want to go to CU I have no problem with that whatsoever.

As soon as I got my bag I ripped open my Power Bar "recovery" bar and ate it like a wild animal. I needed to replenish my muscles; how else was I supposed to do this than by eating a Nestle product?

I went inside a very steamy, yet surprisingly non-stinky gymnasium, where they were giving out free tote and lunch bags. I will be eating my official lunches out of my official BB lunch bag from now on.

I had a great time. I can't wait to go next year. Wanna come? Leave a comment and I'll start an official "I want to run with Ryan" interest list.

Running rules.